3-2-1: On the hidden harm of helping too much
Happy 3-2-1 Thursday!
Ever caught yourself tying your child’s shoelaces even though you know they can do it? We all have. Raising independent children starts with a small but powerful shift: letting go. This week, let’s explore stepping back so our kids can step up.
THREE IDEAS FROM ME
1.
Most parents believe they’re helping their child by stepping in, whether it's solving problems, preventing failure, or making decisions. But sometimes that help is more about the parent's own discomfort, fears, or need for control rather than the child's actual well-being.
2.
Many parents "help" not because the child truly needs it, but because they don’t want to feel uncomfortable watching their child struggle. They intervene because they want to feel like good, involved parents. This well-intended interference stunts growth and makes the parent feel better at the child’s expense.
But what’s the cost? Every time you make a decision for your child that they could make themselves, you take away a small opportunity to build belief and confidence in themselves. A child shielded from small failures won’t know how to handle big ones when they come.
3.
Struggle is the seed of strength. Small moments - choosing their clothes, making their meals, tying their shoelaces - build independence. A child who never hears “You figure it out” never learns how. Sometimes, the best way to help is to step back and let them struggle.
TWO QUOTES FROM OTHERS
1.
Writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe on the two needs of children:
“There are two things children should get from their parents: roots and wings. Roots to give them a sense of belonging, of knowing where they come from, a place of security where they can always return. Wings to teach them independence, curiosity, and the courage to explore beyond the confines of home. Woe to the child who is given only one and not the other, for they will either be lost in the world or unable to enter it.”
Source: Widely Attributed Quote (1790’s)
2.
Academic and psychologist Angela Duckworth on raising capable children:
“A child who has never faced discomfort or difficulty will grow up to be an adult incapable of handling adversity. Our job is not to eliminate struggle, but to guide children as they learn to overcome it.”
Source: Khan Academy Interview (2021)
ONE QUESTION FOR YOU
Every time you jump in to help this week, ask yourself: Am I stepping in for their benefit, or because I can’t bear to watch them struggle?
Until next week,
Mark Snape
Editor of 3-2-1 Parenting Newsletter
P.S. Do you want to share this issue via text, social media, or email? Just copy and paste this link:
Join Me
The 3-2-1 Parenting Newsletter is becoming one of the most popular parenting newsletters in the world. Each issue contains 3 short ideas from me, 2 quotes from other people, and 1 question for you.